7 Signs you are lying to your self

As we grow up we develop our own definition of ethical and moral life. Lawrence Kolhberg’s six stages of moral development are testament to that. Each level symbolizes an individual becoming more moral and self aware. But when it comes to be true to yourself staying in line of your own values is only one part of the equation. What it means to stay true to your self is different is every one. So here are 7 signs that that show your aren’t true to yourself. They will help you fine tune your moral conduct.

1. You tend to copy others - when you copy others there is usually intent for doing so. Perhaps if they did, it landed them a new job or landed them in competitive program or even help the find their significant other. We want to recreate that same success for our self so we unconsciously follow in their footsteps. While there is nothing wrong in taking advice from others,   trying to blindly copy your friends or peers, strips you of your own individuality.

2. You are a people pleaser – You have a hard time saying “no”. You tend to take on more that you can handle for other people. If this sounds a bit like you, you might be a people pleaser. People pleaser have a gentle giving heart but real danger of this comes when someone takes advantage of your generosity. If you constantly put others before yourself and neglect your own well being in the process, you might not be being true to yourself.

3. You let yourself be defined by how others see you – Are you overtly worried about what others think of you. You follow along what others are doing because you are too afraid to go against the grain. You let yourself be defined by how others see you. When you fall in line with everyone else, you run the risk of sacrificing your own individuality. On a deeper level, you may give up on your own dreams and desires to appease the will of others and give in to the pressure of what you think you should be doing.

4. You attract drama into your life – When you are distracted by unnecessary drama, you are also distracted from yourself. By allowing chaos to swirl around you, you have to put your time and energy into putting out all the big and little fires. In fact you are also not putting in the time and energy into yourself which you need. When you attract drama into your life it becomes a distracting mechanism to deter you from more pressing matters which you should be attending to.

5. You give your power to someone else – You tend to let other people make decisions for you. Do you seek outside validation and external advice from others? You want them to tell, you are doing great. By doing this you avoid having to trust yourself. Because if you put your trust in someone else, you don’t really have to be responsible for what happens in your life. This dis-empowers you of the ability to take your own decisions and trust your own voice.

6. You procrastinate - Do you constantly put off small tasks? Are you waiting around to make that big career change you’ve been thinking around for a while? At the root of procrastination is the fear of failure and avoidance. There is no way you can be treating yourself if your are also avoiding yourself. If you’re stuck in hesitation, too afraid to move forward, you might be compromising with what is actually best for you.

7. You justify your actions – you find yourself justifying decisions which you once found questionable. Perhaps you justify your procrastination, your people pleasing ways or even the times you let other people take power from you. You are a priority and the decisions you should take are the ones which would keep you safest and happiest.

Do you relate to any of these signs? If so what do you plan to do next? Sometimes you can be your own worst critic and expect too much from yourself. We want to remind you that it is important to practice a little self-care and compassion for yourself.

Hedonic Adaptation

Too often, we are so preoccupied with the destination, we forget the journey.

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We will start this episode by talking about Hedonic Adaptation. Hedonic adaptation refers to the notion that after positive (or negative) events (i.e., something good or bad happening to someone), and a subsequent increase in positive (or negative) feelings, people return to a relatively stable, baseline level of affect (Diener, Lucas, & Scollon, 2006).

No matter how miserable you are feeling at the moment, if you look back, there have surely been events in your life that have made you happy. Maybe the time you bought your first car or the time you received that long-desired promotion. When good things happen, we feel positive emotions—like excitement, relief, pride, and of course, happiness. These feelings are essential for our well-being. But the problem is, happiness doesn’t usually last.The excitement slowly wears off. This is because the change begins to simply be seen as the “new normal.”  And as a result, our aspiration level shifts. Nobel-prize winning psychologist Daniel Kahneman has referred to this process as a kind of “satisfaction treadmill.” Because we continuously shift our standards upward once we’ve reached them, we’ve got to keep running in order to feel satisfied again.

Therefore, when considering what our dream life would be like, we must be aware of the fact that even when we are really successful, we may  quickly adapt to what we have acquired and we will simply be wanting more.

Now the problem statement; what therefore achieving genuine success means? Many people define success  in terms of money or possessions. However, an increasing amount of research makes it clear that most people don’t understand the difference between what they think will make them happy and what will actually make them happy.

Most people can be classified into one of the below mentioned categories;

1.      People who are miserable now and aren’t working towards anything positive in the future.

2.      People who are miserable now but it will be worth it, because they are working hard towards success in the future.

3.      People who live for the moment and don’t mind that they aren’t building a firm foundation for a positive future.

4.      People who both enjoy their lives now and, through what they are doing, are building an exciting future.

A young lady called Hannah reminisces her story that her father  lived by the principle of ‘Keep working, it’s worth it because you will build up a good pension and then you will be able to enjoy your retirement.’? Then, one day, as her father was working hard and just six weeks away from his well earned retirement, he died suddenly and without warning. Hannah asked herself, ‘Should I just live for the moment? Maybe I should just forget about my career or saving for the future and go to travel the world and experience things and – to hell with being sensible!’.  If you are thinking this a little piece of warning, “The principle of  hedonic adaptation is sure to kick in and something that was pleasurable will quickly lose its appeal. By living for the moment, are you limiting your potential for good results in the future?

Psychologist Tal Ben-Shahar explains that success is not a moment in time when you ‘arrive and are happy’. True success is about enjoying the journey towards a destination that you deem to be valuable. Therefore we advocate having your cake and eating it. Goals can be a great way to find more success and fulfilment in your life. But what is absolutely critical is that you pick goals where you get genuine pleasure from working towards them, as well as from achieving them.

Lessons from  PSYCHOLOGY OF SUCCESS  (ALISON PRICE/ DAVID PRICE)

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Lessons from PSYCHOLOGY OF SUCCESS (ALISON PRICE/ DAVID PRICE)

It is important to

·         Set the right goals in the first place.

·         Achieve those goals, focusing on the benefits of ultimate achievement.

·         Enjoy the process working towards achieving those goals.

·         Have sound psychological principles, with a sprinkle of inspiration, to assist you in bringing your hopes and dreams to fruition.

The book, The Psychology of Success, looks at why one should put effort into achieving success, and what will get you fired up to take action.

First of all a small exercise to set the priorities right;

1. On a piece of paper, draw a rectangle with 8 squares in it, like the one above.

2. Assume that the boxes represent a person’s life expectancy of 80 years. Each box therefore represents 10

years.

3. Shade the number of years that you have already lived (e.g. if you are 40, shade in 4 squares).

4. Now shade off a third of the remainder – this represents the sleeping you are yet to do.

5. Next, shade off 50% of the remainder, as our research derived from the UK’s Office of National Statistics Time Use Survey (2005) shows that on average we spend:

•          5 years of our lives eating and drinking (6.25% of our lives)

•          8 years doing household chores (10% of our lives)

•          10 years working and studying (12.5% of our lives)

•          2 years spent on personal care (2.5% of our lives)

•          5 years commuting and travelling (6.25% of our lives)

•          9 years watching television (11.25% of our lives)

•          1 year spent on meetings (1.25% of our lives)

6. Finally, think of anything else in the daily grind that takes up your time that hasn’t already been accounted for above. Shade away.

Consider your reaction to this exercise. How do you feel now? What have you learned about your time and your priorities? Do comment in the comments section.

What I learnt from IKIGAI

What I learnt from

IKIGAI 

(HECTOR GARCIA/ FRANCESC MIRALLES)

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The human brain works on autopilot most of the times, thus always reinforcing old habits. But in order to revitalize the brain and to keep it young it is imperative to expose it to change even if that requires stepping out of comfort zone.

Stress is a major cause of ageing because stress causes the body to release antibodies as if it were to fight pathogens. In turn these antibodies also damage healthy cells, leading them to age prematurely. Stress also promotes cellular ageing by weakening cellular structures.

The modern life style causes the brain to perceive danger all the time thus keeping the body in a "fight or flight" mode. This leads to hormonal imbalance related to stress, anxiety and depression.

Although a little stress is beneficial for sustainability, one should be careful to be able to turn off the mind's auto pilot. One must learn to notice our responses which are conditioned by our habits. Once we learn to do that we can limit our thoughts in spiraling out of control.

A little stress, by all means increases longevity. People who maintain a little bit of stress, face challenges, put their heart and soul into their work tend to live longer than people who lead a relaxed lifestyle. A lot of sitting and sedentary lifestyle tends to age the body faster. An active lifestyle can lead to make us feel better inside out but it requires some behavioral changes.

Sleep is also an important anti-ageing tool as body generates melatonin hormone during sleep which is a powerful anti-oxidant and has anti-ageing properties.

Finally, people who live long have two traits in common, a positive attitude and a high level of emotional awareness. VICTOR FRANKL who was a well known Austrian psychologist, said, “ Every thing can be taken away from a man, except for his attitude in any given set of circumstances”.

People require a “strong reason to live”. People need to consciously discover their life’s purpose in order to confront their fears. Existential crisis Is typical of modern societies, in which people tend to do what they are told to do or what others do, rather than what they want to do. Discovering one’s purpose in life helps an individual fill the existential void. When someone has a goal to achieve it makes him persevere. Life when given a purpose or a meaning can help a person endure any amount of pain that he may be in.

MORITA THERAPY is a purpose centered therapy created by Shoma Morita which focuses on teaching people to accept their emotions without trying to control them. Shoma Morita was a zen Buddhist who believed that feelings changed as a result of actions and therefore new emotions can be created on the basis of actions.

Aristotle said that “Excellence is not an act but a habit”. We can spend hours doing some activity which we enjoy and may not realize. At the same time if we are asked to do something that we don’t like, a couple of minutes may seem like an hour. What makes us enjoy certain activities over others is what can help us discover our IKIGAI.

FLOW is a state in which people get so involved in an activity that nothing else seems to matter. The best way to achieve a flow is to find a way who’s is aligned with our abilities but just a bit of stretch, so that we experience it as a challenge. Also, concentrating on one thing at a time may be  the single most factor in achieving flow.

Flow is a state in which we are completely immersed in life and the pleasure, delight and creativity that we derive from something that we love to do. Over and above flow, the ability to enjoy mundane day to day activities is known as MICRO-FLOW. Mundane repetitive activities which do not truly challenge us can make us get bored. If we can add a layer of complexity in a mundane task, that can keep us engaged and help us achieve MICRO-FLOW

Never Stop Learning

“You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only love, you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or know your honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only one thing for it then—to learn. Learn why the world wags and what wags it. That is the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never dream of regretting.”

—T. H. White, The Once and Future King

People who live long in Japan, do everything in a sense of calm. They are always pursuing their IKIGAI but they are never in a rush. Not only are they happily busy but they also follow the principles of happiness that Washington Burnap stated two hundred years ago: “The grand essentials to happiness in this life are something to do, something to love, and something to hope for.”

Inspiring principles of IKIGAI

·         The secret to a long life is not to worry. And to keep your heart young—don’t let it grow old.

·         Cultivate good habits - To live a long time you need to do three things: exercise to stay healthy, eat well, and spend time with people.

·         Nurture your friendships every day - Talking each day with the people you love, that’s the secret to a long life.

·         Live an unhurried life - Doing many different things every day. Always staying busy, but doing one thing at a time, without getting overwhelmed.

·         Be optimistic - The most important thing , in life, is to keep smiling.

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