7 Signs you are lying to your self

As we grow up we develop our own definition of ethical and moral life. Lawrence Kolhberg’s six stages of moral development are testament to that. Each level symbolizes an individual becoming more moral and self aware. But when it comes to be true to yourself staying in line of your own values is only one part of the equation. What it means to stay true to your self is different is every one. So here are 7 signs that that show your aren’t true to yourself. They will help you fine tune your moral conduct.

1. You tend to copy others - when you copy others there is usually intent for doing so. Perhaps if they did, it landed them a new job or landed them in competitive program or even help the find their significant other. We want to recreate that same success for our self so we unconsciously follow in their footsteps. While there is nothing wrong in taking advice from others,   trying to blindly copy your friends or peers, strips you of your own individuality.

2. You are a people pleaser – You have a hard time saying “no”. You tend to take on more that you can handle for other people. If this sounds a bit like you, you might be a people pleaser. People pleaser have a gentle giving heart but real danger of this comes when someone takes advantage of your generosity. If you constantly put others before yourself and neglect your own well being in the process, you might not be being true to yourself.

3. You let yourself be defined by how others see you – Are you overtly worried about what others think of you. You follow along what others are doing because you are too afraid to go against the grain. You let yourself be defined by how others see you. When you fall in line with everyone else, you run the risk of sacrificing your own individuality. On a deeper level, you may give up on your own dreams and desires to appease the will of others and give in to the pressure of what you think you should be doing.

4. You attract drama into your life – When you are distracted by unnecessary drama, you are also distracted from yourself. By allowing chaos to swirl around you, you have to put your time and energy into putting out all the big and little fires. In fact you are also not putting in the time and energy into yourself which you need. When you attract drama into your life it becomes a distracting mechanism to deter you from more pressing matters which you should be attending to.

5. You give your power to someone else – You tend to let other people make decisions for you. Do you seek outside validation and external advice from others? You want them to tell, you are doing great. By doing this you avoid having to trust yourself. Because if you put your trust in someone else, you don’t really have to be responsible for what happens in your life. This dis-empowers you of the ability to take your own decisions and trust your own voice.

6. You procrastinate - Do you constantly put off small tasks? Are you waiting around to make that big career change you’ve been thinking around for a while? At the root of procrastination is the fear of failure and avoidance. There is no way you can be treating yourself if your are also avoiding yourself. If you’re stuck in hesitation, too afraid to move forward, you might be compromising with what is actually best for you.

7. You justify your actions – you find yourself justifying decisions which you once found questionable. Perhaps you justify your procrastination, your people pleasing ways or even the times you let other people take power from you. You are a priority and the decisions you should take are the ones which would keep you safest and happiest.

Do you relate to any of these signs? If so what do you plan to do next? Sometimes you can be your own worst critic and expect too much from yourself. We want to remind you that it is important to practice a little self-care and compassion for yourself.

Lessons from PSYCHOLOGY OF SUCCESS (ALISON PRICE/ DAVID PRICE)

It is important to

·         Set the right goals in the first place.

·         Achieve those goals, focusing on the benefits of ultimate achievement.

·         Enjoy the process working towards achieving those goals.

·         Have sound psychological principles, with a sprinkle of inspiration, to assist you in bringing your hopes and dreams to fruition.

The book, The Psychology of Success, looks at why one should put effort into achieving success, and what will get you fired up to take action.

First of all a small exercise to set the priorities right;

1. On a piece of paper, draw a rectangle with 8 squares in it, like the one above.

2. Assume that the boxes represent a person’s life expectancy of 80 years. Each box therefore represents 10

years.

3. Shade the number of years that you have already lived (e.g. if you are 40, shade in 4 squares).

4. Now shade off a third of the remainder – this represents the sleeping you are yet to do.

5. Next, shade off 50% of the remainder, as our research derived from the UK’s Office of National Statistics Time Use Survey (2005) shows that on average we spend:

•          5 years of our lives eating and drinking (6.25% of our lives)

•          8 years doing household chores (10% of our lives)

•          10 years working and studying (12.5% of our lives)

•          2 years spent on personal care (2.5% of our lives)

•          5 years commuting and travelling (6.25% of our lives)

•          9 years watching television (11.25% of our lives)

•          1 year spent on meetings (1.25% of our lives)

6. Finally, think of anything else in the daily grind that takes up your time that hasn’t already been accounted for above. Shade away.

Consider your reaction to this exercise. How do you feel now? What have you learned about your time and your priorities? Do comment in the comments section.

What I learnt from IKIGAI

What I learnt from

IKIGAI 

(HECTOR GARCIA/ FRANCESC MIRALLES)

#1

The human brain works on autopilot most of the times, thus always reinforcing old habits. But in order to revitalize the brain and to keep it young it is imperative to expose it to change even if that requires stepping out of comfort zone.

Stress is a major cause of ageing because stress causes the body to release antibodies as if it were to fight pathogens. In turn these antibodies also damage healthy cells, leading them to age prematurely. Stress also promotes cellular ageing by weakening cellular structures.

The modern life style causes the brain to perceive danger all the time thus keeping the body in a "fight or flight" mode. This leads to hormonal imbalance related to stress, anxiety and depression.

Although a little stress is beneficial for sustainability, one should be careful to be able to turn off the mind's auto pilot. One must learn to notice our responses which are conditioned by our habits. Once we learn to do that we can limit our thoughts in spiraling out of control.

A little stress, by all means increases longevity. People who maintain a little bit of stress, face challenges, put their heart and soul into their work tend to live longer than people who lead a relaxed lifestyle. A lot of sitting and sedentary lifestyle tends to age the body faster. An active lifestyle can lead to make us feel better inside out but it requires some behavioral changes.

Sleep is also an important anti-ageing tool as body generates melatonin hormone during sleep which is a powerful anti-oxidant and has anti-ageing properties.

Finally, people who live long have two traits in common, a positive attitude and a high level of emotional awareness. VICTOR FRANKL who was a well known Austrian psychologist, said, “ Every thing can be taken away from a man, except for his attitude in any given set of circumstances”.

People require a “strong reason to live”. People need to consciously discover their life’s purpose in order to confront their fears. Existential crisis Is typical of modern societies, in which people tend to do what they are told to do or what others do, rather than what they want to do. Discovering one’s purpose in life helps an individual fill the existential void. When someone has a goal to achieve it makes him persevere. Life when given a purpose or a meaning can help a person endure any amount of pain that he may be in.

MORITA THERAPY is a purpose centered therapy created by Shoma Morita which focuses on teaching people to accept their emotions without trying to control them. Shoma Morita was a zen Buddhist who believed that feelings changed as a result of actions and therefore new emotions can be created on the basis of actions.

Aristotle said that “Excellence is not an act but a habit”. We can spend hours doing some activity which we enjoy and may not realize. At the same time if we are asked to do something that we don’t like, a couple of minutes may seem like an hour. What makes us enjoy certain activities over others is what can help us discover our IKIGAI.

FLOW is a state in which people get so involved in an activity that nothing else seems to matter. The best way to achieve a flow is to find a way who’s is aligned with our abilities but just a bit of stretch, so that we experience it as a challenge. Also, concentrating on one thing at a time may be  the single most factor in achieving flow.

Flow is a state in which we are completely immersed in life and the pleasure, delight and creativity that we derive from something that we love to do. Over and above flow, the ability to enjoy mundane day to day activities is known as MICRO-FLOW. Mundane repetitive activities which do not truly challenge us can make us get bored. If we can add a layer of complexity in a mundane task, that can keep us engaged and help us achieve MICRO-FLOW

Never Stop Learning

“You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only love, you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or know your honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only one thing for it then—to learn. Learn why the world wags and what wags it. That is the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never dream of regretting.”

—T. H. White, The Once and Future King

People who live long in Japan, do everything in a sense of calm. They are always pursuing their IKIGAI but they are never in a rush. Not only are they happily busy but they also follow the principles of happiness that Washington Burnap stated two hundred years ago: “The grand essentials to happiness in this life are something to do, something to love, and something to hope for.”

Inspiring principles of IKIGAI

·         The secret to a long life is not to worry. And to keep your heart young—don’t let it grow old.

·         Cultivate good habits - To live a long time you need to do three things: exercise to stay healthy, eat well, and spend time with people.

·         Nurture your friendships every day - Talking each day with the people you love, that’s the secret to a long life.

·         Live an unhurried life - Doing many different things every day. Always staying busy, but doing one thing at a time, without getting overwhelmed.

·         Be optimistic - The most important thing , in life, is to keep smiling.

~

Happiness & Desires

dhyāyato viṣayān puḿsaḥ sańgas teṣūpajāyate sańgāt sañjāyate kāmaḥ kāmāt krodho ‘bhijāyate	While contemplating the objects of the senses, a person develops attachment for them, and from such attachment lust develops, and from lust anger arises.
(SriMadbhagavad Gita 2.62)

It’s true that we all want to be happy. We are also ready to pay the price for the same. We are always eager to spend whatever we have to buy our happiness in whatever manner that it may be available to us. Whether in the form of a beautiful dress, a super gadget, a beautiful house or even fine evening with our friend or partner. But the point is, is it going to make us happy. You’ll say, YES it will and I AGREE, surely it will. But the question is what the price of happiness is for me? Because it can come for as cheap as 2 ice creams on the sea side or it can cost me a fortune for the bungalow in the hill.

I heard a story when I was very small. There was a boy, whose family was very wealthy. One day his father took him on a trip to the country, where he aimed to show his son, how poor people live. So they arrived to a farm of a very poor family, as he considered. They spent there several days. On their return, the father asked his son, did he like the trip.

“Oh, it was great, dad” – the boy replied. “Did you notice how poor people live?” “Yeah, I did“- said the boy. The father asked his son to tell in more details about his impressions from their trip.

“Well, we have only one dog, and they have four of them. In our garden there is a pool, while they have a river that has no end. We‘ve got expensive lanterns, but they have stars above their heads at night. We have the patio, and they have the whole horizon. We have only a small piece of land, while they have the endless fields. We buy food, but they grow it. We have high fence for protection of our property, and they don‘t need it, as their friends protect them.”

The father was stunned. He could not say a word.

Then the boy added: “Thank you, dad, for letting me see how poor we are.”

So we see that Happiness is a state of fulfilment of desires and the same will vary from person to person and from time to time. Therefore it is the desires which are important, it is what matters the most because the fulfilment of desires will result in happiness and being happy is what we ultimately crave for. It is very relative in its disposition and by virtue of this it has very less price and it is very priceless at the same time. The same thing which can make me very happy because I have a very strong desire for it may not be able to make you happy because you do not desire it. 

One thing which we are always made to understand ever since we are born is that we should not desire what we cannot afford. This thought in itself opposes the basic premise of life which is to grow. By the time we grow up we become so conditioned to this thought that we consider it a sin to desire what we can’t possibly have. What if it is not so sinful after all? Can we in some way train our desires to lead us to happiness? 

I wonder!

DON’T THINK; BE HAPPY

I read somewhere that we are not human beings going through a temporary spiritual experience. Rather we are Spiritual beings going through temporary human experience. For me it means that we were designed to be guided by our emotions and not by our thoughts. Our emotions were supposed be shaping our thoughts rather than the opposite of it. But ironically since the time we became a part of this spiritual – physical world we are trained to think before we do everything, even before we feel.

At School we are taught to think before we ask a question, and at home we are expected to think before we say anything. At play we are trained to think before we play and at party we should think before we party. Sounds familiar!! And in this whole mayhem of thinking we actually forget that thinking is not something we were designed to do inherently. No, No…. please do not get me wrong, I am not an advocate of impulsive and erratic behavior. That will create chaos. The point I am trying to make is that too much thinking inhibits the ability to do. What differentiates humans from other beings is not our ability to think but rather our ability to articulate our emotions. It is our emotions and our cognitive interpretation of them is what makes us so special. The more we are able to understand our emotions and act according to them the more successful we are. But before we are able to do so it is imperative to understand success also. Success is not what our friends or our parents or our society defines for us. No one has the right to decide what success is for me. It is only me who can decide. In my opinion and I may well be wrong, Success is what makes me feel happy, and content, and accomplished. So anything that will instill these emotions in me is success for me and likewise the activities that instill the opposite feelings are failures. 

From here I come to my initial statement where I said “Don’t Think”. Instead of keep thinking whether I should do this or not or do that or not, I should be able to feel whether doing this is going to make me feel happy or content or accomplished or any such positive emotions as we may paraphrase. 

You may say that this principle looks good in theory and it is easier said than done and I totally agree. It not easy for me either and I still cannot say whether I have been able to do this effortlessly. It does require effort and in spite of that I do miss the target many a times. Any art is mastered only through practice and the more you practice, the better you get. And on more than one occasion I have felt the immense power of this practice. When we say that we are the creators of our own destiny, it means that the law of universe follows the Belief ->  Behavior -> Destiny principle. To elaborate, our practiced emotions become our belief which in turn manifest in our behavior and finally shape our destiny. 

So the next time before you do anything, don’t think whether your family or your friends or the society or whether even you want to do it. Just observe and feel whether doing THE THING is going to make you feel good or going to make you feel bad and you will get your answer.

DON’T THINK; BE HAPPY.